The Art of the Perfect Man Hug

Hugging a man isn’t easy business, what with all the awkwardness and the confusion over whether to hug or whether to stand back and grin like a monkey. But if you know the art of hugging male friends, then you’ve got nothing to worry about, when it comes to hugging a pal.

From what we’ve all heard, the man of the 2000’s is supposed to be in touch with his feminine side. But that doesn’t mean all you blokes should start walking around like the cross-dressing Dennis Rodman.

Being the thoroughly helpful dudes and dudettes we are here at Lovepanky, we thought it would be nice to teach you young Willy Wonkas the best way to learn the art of the perfect Man Hug.

Hmmm. We can hear you shuffling and getting uncomfortable. Stop grumbling, my young cocker spaniels!

Learning how to Man Hug is hardly asking you to exchange your manly girth to become Mumbai’s finest Hijra, neither is it a suggestion to swap your trousers to sport a sarong like David Beckham.

No no. This is strictly hugging, and knowing the perfect man hug may not only be seen as a warm gesture towards your other male buddies, but may also gather a girl’s attention that you’re a warm and compassionate soul. Well, of course you are, right?

Well then, stop pussy-footing around and let’s hug it out bitch!

Why Hug?

Why is it that men just don’t know how to greet each other? For the sake of Mother Nature, handshakes are so bloody formal, it’s as if every time you’re meeting a friend you’re attending an interview.

Most men nod their heads when greeting each other, some shake hands, while a few say nothing and continue to proceed into a conversation.

That’s all very normal when you’re greeting someone but did you know that in the Middle East, men greet each other by kissing one another twice on the cheeks? Now that’s showing some love, and we want you to do the same (no, not kissing) but by hugging.

So at the moment, you’re not really embracing this idea (no pun intended). Hey, listen up sausage jockey, take away those feelings of proposed gay tendencies. You may have reservations about what exactly is the perfect man hug but we’re not asking you to get naked and share a long feel-up embrace with the big fatty from Austin Powers. And really, we’re not saying you should just go up to any dude and hug him, because really, that would be weird.

Instead what we propose is that you learn when to hug and how to hug. Just remember, if you don’t hug, you may be accused of not being comfortable with your manliness, and we wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Most men end up shuffling their feet or looking skyward when they meet a friend, and don’t really know whether to hug the guy or not. After all, a hesitated hug looks cute in Bollywood and in old Holly classics, but between men? That’s seriously awkward! So when should you hug a man?

Knowing when to hug is entirely up to you, but here are a few pointers on the perfect moment. Hugging your best friends or members of your family is perfectly acceptable. And you can rest assured, nothing incestuous will be thought of it, unless you’re hugging Drooling Uncle Dan.

If you know the rules of when you should hug a male friend, and when you shouldn’t, it can take a lot of stress of your cranium.

Times when you should Hug

1. When celebrating something (i.e. a birthday, an anniversary)

2. If someone close to you becomes a dad

3. A family member at a funeral

4. Your friend gets a job promotion

5. Celebrating a sports win with your friends

In the last case scenario, you may find that your man-hug turns into a mass-hugging, finger-slipping, deep-reaching one. Don’t be threatened by this. You won’t be in a minority if you’re all sharing a victory.

If at all you feel uncomfortable, just jump up and down at the same time to avoid too much unnecessary body contact.

The last thing you want is to suddenly feel the perspiration of another man on your body.

Times when you should not Hug

1. When one or both of you are wearing swimsuits. Dude, this is just plain and simply a no-go zone, unless you like the spandex and feel of another dude’s manhood snuggling near yours.

2. Like swimming, if you and another dude are both shirtless for whatever reason, then avoid hugging. But if this should occur, quickly refrain from the initial hug to avoid curiosity.

3. It is unacceptable to hug a man who has the same first name as you. That’s just weird.

4. Never hug a dude you just met. We don’t care if it’s your auntie’s cousin-sister’s husband’s son, whoever the eff he is, just don’t hug him.

5. Never hug another man at a fancy dress party. You’ll look like two weirdos from Village People.

6. If a dude on a street is holding up a sign that says ‘free hugs’, do not under any circumstances hug this man. Seriously, all hugs are free, but the rule of thumb is you don’t know him so you don’t hug him. Anyway, you might end up getting more than you bargained for.

7. If the person you’re about to hug has an unforced erection.

8. If the hugee, i.e., your hug buddy, smells strange.

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